Pregnancy Notes

5/22/2012 - 36 Weeks ---there is a side view, but I'll spare you.

Today, I am roughly 37.5 weeks pregnant.  I haven't blogged as much about this pregnancy as the last one.  Most of the notes are part of Ten on Tuesday posts or other larger posts.  As we "maybe" near the end, it seemed time for a bit more reflection.  This is mostly so I can remember after the hormones make me forget, but feel free to reminisce along with me:

• So yesterday, I came to the realization that I could, theoretically, go into labor at anytime and have no idea what that would feel like sans drugs as I've been induced each time, so far.  In fact at one point in the night last night I thought I was about to find out.... apparently not.. At minimum, my body does seem to be preparing or its just toying with me.  That said, we have no plans made, no bags packed, no electronics charged, not a coming home outfit plan in sight.  At 4am, this was very worrisome and something I think I'm going to have to focus on today if for nothing else than my peace of mind. 
• I am currently loving maxi dresses.   It is weird to think that this time last year I'd never worn one until my shopping enabler (Tracie) went with me shopping for the anniversary party.  Now, I think I could just live in them.  I even wore one yesterday that had some orange stripes!  I think I'll continue in these well past my "fourth" trimester.
• I've not been nearly as "good" this time on several fronts. 
•  Exercise went really well until the costochondritis episodes and road rash.  We are now back to daily family walks of at least 30 minutes, as it is never too late to restart, right? I am glad for all the early exercise.  I am particularly delighted to have run my first 5K while pregnant and to have been running 9-10 miles a week for several of the months, but wish I were entering childbirth at a bit more "fit" place.
• Food:  in the beginning, as usual, I was very good, very careful, and thoughtful.  That has definitely waned to a place where we've eaten more fast food than usual and all sorts of deliciously not so healthy for me things in waning months.  Part of this, I think, is knowing I'll never be truly free to eat these again as I'll probably be "dieting" for the rest of my life.  Of course eating them now, is just giving me more to lose later (yes, I'm at my highest weight ever). .This week, we've been eating seasonally from the farmer's market so lots more local veggies and fruits.  Which are just as delicious--- no idea why we don't focus on them more-- although I'll admit I fried some of them as well....
• Caffeine: With B, I had none and no aspartame either. With M, maybe a little, but sugar was my main addiction (think Jelly Beans and baked Doritos).  I didn't start liking caffeine really until after M was born, and now, well, I really like it.  I'd say I've had some nearly every day.  I've tried to be very careful to keep at less than the 150mg max, but I suspect a day or two I went over.  It isn't the end of the world, but more a reflection of maybe a more relaxed approach? I've remained intense about things like - deli meat, alcohol, tuna, raw cheeses, etc.... so picking my battles, I guess, and trying to stick to moderation. 
• If someone were to ask me "why" we are having three, I still don't have a ready answer. Part of it is being crazy about my husband and adoring my existing kids. It feels like the right choice and I think we can be good parents to three kids. I love being one of three kids and  I think it will be good for our existing kids as well.  There are days though where I have absolutely no clue how we'll handle it.  There are days when our kids already drive us batty and we stare at each other across the table and wonder how we'll pull it off.  This baby is tremendously wanted, sought after, and loved, but that doesn't always mean it is based strongly in reason....
• This pregnancy I've worried about having enough times, attention, and focus on my kids.  I am trying to soak them in here before my mind wanders.  I worry they will be annoyed by the baby and he won't be what they are dreaming of, at least at first.  We have been reading a library book that talks about fuss pot baby siblings and I think they seem to get it a bit now.  We shall see.  
• I am so lucky to have telecommuted for these last two pregnancies.  It is luxurious to be able to work from my own house in whatever clothes I like.  I've had very minimal commuting-- for most of the time just taking both kids to the same school daily. I get that I'm spoiled, and try to consciously appreciate this gift of being able to do work I enjoy with people I truly like and admire.  My work remains challenging, engaging, and so good for me mentally, even on the tough days that have come along periodically. I am so blessed to continue on this professional path and it helps on the personal side too well beyond the income to the mental breaks and stimuli as well as friendship and travel it affords me. Hooray for happy mom and happy worker bee. 
• I have scrapbooked more this pregnancy than probably ever.  Usually, it is in fits and spurts and more so in the phases of the pregnancy where I wasn't as sleepy.  I am glad that more of these stories are getting told and, I think, more artfully.  I joined Studio Calico just before the pregnancy began and it has changed my relationship to the products/shopping/design aspects a bit.  I think it is for the better even though I still spend way too much on scrapbooking things.  In good news, I'm using more of the things that I buy than ever.  I wonder if I will be able to refind this after the baby comes.  With M, it was 8 or 9 months until I started again and I crafted up til the night before she was born.  I "think" I have an awesome support network around me that knows what therapy this is for me and will get me back to it if I need it.
• My husband is so incredibly patient and supportive of all of my endeavors and calm through all my injuries.  I have managed to injure myself way more often this pregnancy-- oddly most of my pains have been from these things not from the pregnancy itself.  Some of this is chronic ailments, others were from exercise (costochondritis, plantar fascitis, bronchintis, asthma, allergies, road rash, and this that and the other thing).  I am not an awesome patient when I've been dealing with one or a combination of these.  He has handled it all so gracefully.  Rather than running out for ice cream in the night as myth would have it, he has run out for a sling when my shoulder pain was too much to bear just before one of B's birthday parties.  He carries our children more often than not and always when I can't (which breaks my heart) and he holds me when I cry for no reason or the very real ones.  He has been amazing about making sure I get rest whenever I need or want it, even if it means lots of extra difficulty for him.  I honestly think that part of his sense that this is our last child is that he doesn't want to see me and my body have to go through this again.  I, of course, continue to think I can do anything, but am having to struggle to see that there might be limits-- I'm still not handling them gracefully and apologize way more than necessary for these things I can't control.
• My Dad not being here still destroys me every single time I think about it.  We were singing some random song in Mass this week (Eye Has Not Seen -- for those familiar with it) and I just burst into tears.  Partially because of missing my Dad in the whole memorial day sense, but also missing others from the folk group that are gone.  I cannot bear the thought that he will not be there to welcome his grandson, will not hold him in this life, and that my son won't know him...  I "know" he is watching over us and probably has already met this little spirit in heaven, but still my heart breaks.  When each of our other children arrived, within a week or so my father would meet them and say -- I'm so sorry you won't get to know me.  This left me fuming mad each time, but sadly he was right and it is crushing.  There are things my kids remember now and things I share with them, but it is still so wildly painful and unfair. And yet, there is not a thing I can do about it other than tell the stories, share the pictures, and the traditions I have.  Tears are everywhere in this part of my story.
• On to happier things -- I am glad we've created a nursery for the baby all of his own.  I am thankful for nudges from Chrissie and others along the way to get me to focus on and create that special place for him.  I want to make sure that his story gets captured and he gets to have his own kind of special place literally and figuratively.  I have some ideas in mind to help with that, and appreciate any help from you that surround us in taking pictures and telling stories with us.
• We are in a part of pregnancy now that the hormones help you forget later.  I'd forgotten how hard it is to turn over at night, how hard it is to sit up, how disrupted my sleep is, how much my back hurt, how much "practice" my body does in advance. After having B, someone asked me what a contraction felt like--- it is hard to describe both because there are few things comparable and also because those hormones and no sleep do a great memory erasing job.  Last night as I was uncomfortable and having all sorts of new, odd sensations, Brent was asking me to compare it to before and I really don't know.  It is weird. 
• Random strangers now stop me frequently to ask how soon it will be, if we know the name, if I am miserable...etc... Being asked if I'm miserable is probably the most miserable as lots of the time I am not, but sometimes I am.  Admitting it though seems not so good.
• I feel much hotter carrying the boys than I did with M, which is odd as she was born in August.  I also feel like there is somehow more hair at my jawline when I'm pregnant with boys.  I am the most bothered by how chubby my face gets at this point in the game.  I was looking at pictures of B during his first Christmas and my face is just wildly different and thinner so I know it is possible to get back to that with lots of discipline and hard work... perhaps not by this one's first Christmas, but we shall see.
• We truly do not know what his name is.  We're not keeping it a secret or being coy.  I really have no clue. I remain surprised that this surprises people as we've been the same with each, but it seems to be odd to most of those we encounter---even our Doctor!  I'm pretty sure we'll figure out something in the end though. 
• This little one feels very strong and is strongly against contractions. The moment I have one he starts rolling and kicking and trying to move away from it.  Brent and I agree that it would be pretty scary to have your entire known world start closing in on you.  I sat and watched my stomach wiggle all over the place last night and wondered if I'll ever see it again.  I'm vaguely tempted to video tape this strangle alien choreography so I don't forget when they are bigger.
• With B and even M there are very few pictures of my pregnant belly.  I've tried to take more this time, although not that systematically.  It is amazing how our bodies morph and all the mysterious wonderful things they can do and create with so little conscious intervention from us.
• Technically, we are as ready as we need to be save for those details in the first bullet.  I remember struggling with the waiting each time and do again now.  It is really still early for a baby, particularly for me, but already I find myself sometimes hoping.  It is hard to believe then that I was pregnant with M another 3.5 weeks more than I am now.  Somehow, at this point, time seems to stretch with each added discomfort and excitement to meet him.  I know he needs to "cook" as long as he can and that it will be good for him long term, but I'm still impatient.  I "think" my Doctor might induce at 39 weeks.  Brent, hearing the same conversation is dubious.  Perhaps I'll just go into labor this time on my own? Who knows.  I do so like a good plan, but probably don't get that much control here. 
• I feel like there is more to say... and I will think about it... but for now these are my reflections on this journey in this moment of waiting.  We appreciate all your thoughts and prayers as always.