Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Missing One.

Last year, just as this blog was starting I had a miscarriage. I ultimately wrote about it here. It was hard then and is sometimes still sad now. I do still think about it and wonder. My membership in the miscarriage club is going strong as sadly I've talked, cried and held close (virtually or really) several friends and family as they joined this club in the last year. This week, oddly, miscarriage seems to be coming up on several blogs I follow - particularly here and here. Several people raise that no one talks about miscarriage much and they are probably right because even though it happens more than most realize it is hard to talk about and hard to think about whether it is you or someone else. That said, not talking doesn't really help the situation.

For those of you counting out there, no we couldn't have had our missing little one and lady M too as I was pregnant about 45 days after the miscarriage and yes, very very lucky. This poses a bit of a quandry as I still sometimes think about our missing one, but can't be entirely sad as I have this amazing, wonderful snuggly bundle of Maggie curled against me. Logic doesn't prevail in this realm though so I just have to let that inconsistency go and love my path and blessings. Maggie is a precious gift and the blessing that moved us forward in the healing process. Brent and I discovered in a surprising way that we had both been thinking just that shortly after she was born. You may remember Brent gave me this lovely African Violet when I was recovering from our miscarriage. Miraculously, we actually managed to keep it alive, which is rare for us and house plants. It did well, even thrived. We had many blooms, new foliage and it had a permanent place on our dining room table. However, as summer wore on, it began to fade despite being tended as usual and just the week that Maggie was born it died. Brent said one day just what I had been thinking --- I guess we didn't need it anymore. I guess we didn't. We will love and miss our little one in snatches always, but now focus on the happy gift we have been given more than the loss we share.

I hope not to experience that sadness again and hope that you are all spared it as well, but should you join our sad club know that I'm always here to talk, hug and hope with you. We are not alone and we are so loved. Extra snuggles for precious little ones and thanks to all of for your support as always.

4 comments:

jcarr said...

Thank you for your beautiful post. It brought tears to my eyes. (Partly because I am hormonal but mostly because you know I relate!) As the due date that "would have been" came and went, I could not help but think about that little one and was sad but I think it WAS easier because I am pregnant now. I feel the same way you do, I know I am carrying a precious gift now and Mr.Roman is meant to be here but feel conflicted because I can't help but still mourn the loss of that other child. I know I will always mourn him/her a little bit. The one year anniversary of my loss will be Dec 9th-one month exactly before my due date now. I know that day will be a bitter-sweet as well. But, I feel so blessed to be carrying this precious little one, who is, so far, healthy and strong!:) I didn't know the touching story of the plant. It is beautiful and proves we have angels watching over us! Thank you for sharing! Love you!

abbeyviolet said...

That's a key point about the due date that wasn't. I definitely thought about it that way just a couple months shy of Maggie's due date. It is a weird thing, but a date I think I'll always remember...

Lynn said...

You said it beautifully.

jillgraber said...

Thanks for your post Abbey. I joined your 'sad club' just 2 weeks ago. I appreciate your willingness to discuss the topic openly. I don't know if our mothers and grandmothers did so openly...part of me thinks that they definitely did, over a cup a coffee. These days, seems we don't have time for that, but we do have the internet. Progress or no? I'm not sure, but I'll take what I can get :-) All the best to you and yours.

PS. I'm encouraged by your 45 days...thanks :-)

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