In my head today, as I went through ordinary motions, I wrote and rewrote a post and played with words trying to explain somehow in a positive way the lessons I've taken personally about my Dad dying way too early in my life. I looked at E and tried to think of things I could to do to help me be around to see his thirties, which my Dad and his Dad missed in large chunks for most of their children. I accepted that no matter what I do there are no promises, as I know my Dad tried and hoped and feared too. I had all these metaphors about running my race twined around my actual run this morning with a small baby who has adorable toes.
There were things like how running is something I do to mentally and physically to work on my health in hopes of being there with this small jogging buddy 30 years from now, while somehow acknowledging that for all my good intentions and hope, there are no promises. So, I run in the moment to keep this moment sane, healthy, and lived to its fullest because it is what I have.... I thought about writing the whole bit. I thought about skipping it because it hurts and will always hurt and because I know he did his best to be healthy and with us however he could and the reality is very different. I was feeling fairly clear, sad, lonely, missing him, but past the crushing devastation, I thought.
Then, before I could write through any of that or decide not to, I read my Mom's post and saw that smiling picture of my loving Dad. My Dad who loved me so much and did such a good job of saying it even when I didn't always. My patient Dad who I was so often so impatient with that it continues to break my heart. ( I tried to be more patient with my children and others so I've learned something from it, but still not really succeeding). My Mom who is still so crushed even as she walks on to new days. I sobbed, and was devastated all over again for her, for us, for my kids, but most of all for him as I know he wanted this time so much, maybe more even than we did. I miss you Dad. I love you.
Go hug your parents, your grandparents, your children, your families, your friends, and seize this moment where you are, if you, can, and I will too.
* If you are new here and looking for context here is some of my history that led me to today:
- One year ago - Scrapbook therapy
- His first missed birthday
- Two Years Ago - Heartbroken
There were things like how running is something I do to mentally and physically to work on my health in hopes of being there with this small jogging buddy 30 years from now, while somehow acknowledging that for all my good intentions and hope, there are no promises. So, I run in the moment to keep this moment sane, healthy, and lived to its fullest because it is what I have.... I thought about writing the whole bit. I thought about skipping it because it hurts and will always hurt and because I know he did his best to be healthy and with us however he could and the reality is very different. I was feeling fairly clear, sad, lonely, missing him, but past the crushing devastation, I thought.
Then, before I could write through any of that or decide not to, I read my Mom's post and saw that smiling picture of my loving Dad. My Dad who loved me so much and did such a good job of saying it even when I didn't always. My patient Dad who I was so often so impatient with that it continues to break my heart. ( I tried to be more patient with my children and others so I've learned something from it, but still not really succeeding). My Mom who is still so crushed even as she walks on to new days. I sobbed, and was devastated all over again for her, for us, for my kids, but most of all for him as I know he wanted this time so much, maybe more even than we did. I miss you Dad. I love you.
Go hug your parents, your grandparents, your children, your families, your friends, and seize this moment where you are, if you, can, and I will too.
* If you are new here and looking for context here is some of my history that led me to today:
- One year ago - Scrapbook therapy
- His first missed birthday
- Two Years Ago - Heartbroken
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